It changes you...
Apr. 15th, 2012 10:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
magnacartabeing gainfully employed. Having no trouble at all with your bosses. Not waking up in the middle of the night because you stomach is cramping up with nerves with the arrival of the morning, and the monsters in your classroom.
It makes me antsy, this calm and aimless job.
It's stupid. I'm 25. I want a lot of stuff out of my life. I'm not ready to settle down, and let that be my life.
It wouldn't be a bad life, but it wouldn't be all it could be.
I never thought I was particularly idealistic, but apparently, I was and I am. Choosing education as my degree should have been my first and biggest clue. No one goes there for anything less than wanting to change the world/shaping minds/sharing knowledge.
My boss told me the other day that he wouldn't have kept me if he couldn't see me there with him five years from now. My first reflex was to tell him that five years is a long time. (It is. I'd be 30 by then.) I don't want to be there in five years. (That, I didn't tell him. I'm not totally stupid.)
Sometimes it feels like I'm just sabotaging myself at every step. I can't help it. I've been raised by fucked up people. I can't even tell if what I'm thinking is making any sense.
I want to go back to school. Get another degree. I want to travel. I want to meet new people. Experience new things. I'm sick and tired of being so cautious, so responsible, sensible, polite, reasonable... It's a bitch not being able to scream, to rage, to explode. Not that I particularly want to do that at the moment, but because even if I wanted to, I just couldn't do it.
I remember that summer when I actually felt like a normal person (for a change), I met an old classmate of mine through a series of circumstances, and we hung out a lot that summer. We had all-nighters, got drunk, squatted at his friends' places, had parties, went to the amusement park. It was spectacular: Feeling the cool breeze of dawn, eating the greasiest food known to man, waiting for the rest of the city to wake up so we can crash for a few hours. Not a care in the world.
That summer, it did feel like I could fall in love. Something else I've never managed to do.
Then school started. We didn't keep in touch. In retrospect, he was a bit of a douche. He was horrible to a lot of people, but I was too infatuated to see all that. Now, he's working at Bombardier as an engineer. What do you know, that's what he said he wanted to be in our yearbook.
I wanted to be a teacher.
I'm not sure I still want to be a teacher.
But I sure as hell don't want to be a legal assistant for more than a year or two.
(My mom wants me to get married. This is so not happening.)
Not sure I should even post this, but the universe might help me if I do. Maybe.
It makes me antsy, this calm and aimless job.
It's stupid. I'm 25. I want a lot of stuff out of my life. I'm not ready to settle down, and let that be my life.
It wouldn't be a bad life, but it wouldn't be all it could be.
I never thought I was particularly idealistic, but apparently, I was and I am. Choosing education as my degree should have been my first and biggest clue. No one goes there for anything less than wanting to change the world/shaping minds/sharing knowledge.
My boss told me the other day that he wouldn't have kept me if he couldn't see me there with him five years from now. My first reflex was to tell him that five years is a long time. (It is. I'd be 30 by then.) I don't want to be there in five years. (That, I didn't tell him. I'm not totally stupid.)
Sometimes it feels like I'm just sabotaging myself at every step. I can't help it. I've been raised by fucked up people. I can't even tell if what I'm thinking is making any sense.
I want to go back to school. Get another degree. I want to travel. I want to meet new people. Experience new things. I'm sick and tired of being so cautious, so responsible, sensible, polite, reasonable... It's a bitch not being able to scream, to rage, to explode. Not that I particularly want to do that at the moment, but because even if I wanted to, I just couldn't do it.
I remember that summer when I actually felt like a normal person (for a change), I met an old classmate of mine through a series of circumstances, and we hung out a lot that summer. We had all-nighters, got drunk, squatted at his friends' places, had parties, went to the amusement park. It was spectacular: Feeling the cool breeze of dawn, eating the greasiest food known to man, waiting for the rest of the city to wake up so we can crash for a few hours. Not a care in the world.
That summer, it did feel like I could fall in love. Something else I've never managed to do.
Then school started. We didn't keep in touch. In retrospect, he was a bit of a douche. He was horrible to a lot of people, but I was too infatuated to see all that. Now, he's working at Bombardier as an engineer. What do you know, that's what he said he wanted to be in our yearbook.
I wanted to be a teacher.
I'm not sure I still want to be a teacher.
But I sure as hell don't want to be a legal assistant for more than a year or two.
(My mom wants me to get married. This is so not happening.)
Not sure I should even post this, but the universe might help me if I do. Maybe.
