La Carta

being gainfully employed. Having no trouble at all with your bosses. Not waking up in the middle of the night because you stomach is cramping up with nerves with the arrival of the morning, and the monsters in your classroom.

It makes me antsy, this calm and aimless job.

It's stupid. I'm 25. I want a lot of stuff out of my life. I'm not ready to settle down, and let that be my life.

It wouldn't be a bad life, but it wouldn't be all it could be.

I never thought I was particularly idealistic, but apparently, I was and I am. Choosing education as my degree should have been my first and biggest clue. No one goes there for anything less than wanting to change the world/shaping minds/sharing knowledge.

My boss told me the other day that he wouldn't have kept me if he couldn't see me there with him five years from now. My first reflex was to tell him that five years is a long time. (It is. I'd be 30 by then.) I don't want to be there in five years. (That, I didn't tell him. I'm not totally stupid.)

Sometimes it feels like I'm just sabotaging myself at every step. I can't help it. I've been raised by fucked up people. I can't even tell if what I'm thinking is making any sense.

I want to go back to school. Get another degree. I want to travel. I want to meet new people. Experience new things. I'm sick and tired of being so cautious, so responsible, sensible, polite, reasonable... It's a bitch not being able to scream, to rage, to explode. Not that I particularly want to do that at the moment, but because even if I wanted to, I just couldn't do it.

I remember that summer when I actually felt like a normal person (for a change), I met an old classmate of mine through a series of circumstances, and we hung out a lot that summer. We had all-nighters, got drunk, squatted at his friends' places, had parties, went to the amusement park. It was spectacular: Feeling the cool breeze of dawn, eating the greasiest food known to man, waiting for the rest of the city to wake up so we can crash for a few hours. Not a care in the world.

That summer, it did feel like I could fall in love. Something else I've never managed to do.

Then school started. We didn't keep in touch. In retrospect, he was a bit of a douche. He was horrible to a lot of people, but I was too infatuated to see all that. Now, he's working at Bombardier as an engineer. What do you know, that's what he said he wanted to be in our yearbook.

I wanted to be a teacher.

I'm not sure I still want to be a teacher.

But I sure as hell don't want to be a legal assistant for more than a year or two.

(My mom wants me to get married. This is so not happening.)

Not sure I should even post this, but the universe might help me if I do. Maybe.

or How I Failed Yuletide.

At this point, it's no secret that my new job is actually a lot like Donna's in Suits. In reality, as a legal assistant, I should, and am, doing exactly what she does in the show, minus the eavesdropping. I don't have that privilege yet.

Thus, I should have known that it would be a monumentally stupid idea to sign up for Yuletide this year. Because my time is rarely my own these days. Because it's not rare anymore that I'm needed for a bit of overtime.

Expect the unexpected, they say. Thursday, the 22, my last day of work before the Holidays found me still typing away on my work computer at 5:00 p.m. People around me, admins, paralegals, associates, and partners alike were getting ready for the Christmas cocktail in Room 1. I was also expected to make an appearance: to look at the pictures taken at the holiday office party, eat some hors d'oeuvre and partake in the champagne. Gifts were given, and wishes were exchanged. At the back of my mind, I was still thinking about work and how I wanted to get rid of the government papers on my desk before the new year. I went back to them after half an hour of chatter, and printed them out on official stationary. Next step? Find my boss and one of the other managing partners to sign the letters.

And this is how I went home at 7:00 p.m., when in actuality my shift ended at 5:00 p.m., ate and found myself in front of the computer 5 minutes before the Yuletide challenge deadline looking at the countdown in horror. Paralyzed. Trying to write something slightly above mediocre, and failing.

And the worst of it all is that I was given Suits to write... (and had two drafts to choose from.)

I've been very busy. Learned a bunch of stuff. Made some very good work friends. Done some very fancy stuff.

(Got invited to a fancy restaurant that served molecular cuisine. The bubbles are NOT soap. Also, they don't serve normal coffee. I also volunteered at a scotch tasting reception. Met a bunch of very rich people, and came home with a bunch of orchids.)

It's been a challenge, doing a lot of things I wasn't prepared for. I love it here, but I don't want to stay in my current position. I have a bachelor degree, and I plan to use it someday. Yes, I've been offered to stay, but I'm not sure the positions I've heard about are for me at all. We'll see.

I've had the best time just doing something else. Not focusing so much on fandom. It made me put stuff in perspective. It made me appreciate the people I've met through fandom, but who I now consider real good friends. We talk about our lives. We focus on our other common interests: music, culture, etc. I still go through my flist, and read fics, and watch vids, but it doesn't feel like an integral part of myself anymore.

Nothing makes you realize how serious you were taking things like a bunch of seriously insane and delusional fans. I realized that I never wanted to be like them.

Lastly, I'll try to crosspost more. I just never remember to do so. I was surprised that I still remembered my DW password.

Here's a conversation I had with one of my bosses, and the make-up girl.

AMINA (make-up girl): *sings some hip-hop song*

BOB (boss): Hey, stop singing that. My grandma sings better than you.

ME: Yeah? Well, you have a weird grandma.

AMINA: How old is she?

BOB: *mumbles something with seventy-**

ME: It'll be even weirder is it was my grandma singing that.

AMINA: Oh yeah? How old is she?

ME: Well, she's dead XD

BOB: And people say I'm the wacko. Stop laughing.

---

So I guess my reputation is done for.

J'ai vu Chantale et Piotr aujourd'hui. C'était un peu surréel.

J'avais fini mon heure de permanence au local de l'association et j'allais rentrer chez nous, puisque je n'avais pas de cours faute de prof qui est parti à un colloque quelconque, quand j'entends quelqu'un m'interpeller depuis le parterre gazonné du Pavillon Marie-Victorin. Malgré le fait que je savais que Chantale étudiait en enseignement primaire, je ne m'attendait pas à voir ni elle et encore moins Piotr dans mon pavillon. Je pense que c'est parce que la ligne entre emploi et école est trop définie dans mon esprit. Bah.