It's been a while...
Mar. 8th, 2005 04:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
magnacartaI've been thinking mostly. I seem to lack something in my life, and I feel old. Mentally, and physically. My bones ache, I don't know why. Maybe it's rheumatism...
I'm not depressed, I don't feel like I am. I don't really know what I feel. I've never really been able to tell my emotions apart. I'm not one to throw tantrums, not one to hold a grudge, not one to have particularly strong emotions. I think I've been walking through life with an especially strong armour for whatever reason, and now that I've grow I can't seem to let it go, not even for a second, not even when I want to. I wear indifference like a second skin. It's depresing, but I don't feel depressed. What's wrong with me?
There was a time when I used to never laugh, never smile. I didn't know how to; I didn't want to. I don't remember that clearly, it was in elementary school. People used to point that out to me, I shrugged, and continued to on. It did bother me, but not that much. Now, I do smile, I do laugh, but sometimes I feel like it's fake somehow. I always was such an excellent actor in the theater of Life. Maybe I'm kidding myself.
ETA:Fuck it. Who am I kidding? I don't need to lock that entry, no one who isn't a friend's gonna read it anyway, and I don't care about the potential others...
I'm not depressed, I don't feel like I am. I don't really know what I feel. I've never really been able to tell my emotions apart. I'm not one to throw tantrums, not one to hold a grudge, not one to have particularly strong emotions. I think I've been walking through life with an especially strong armour for whatever reason, and now that I've grow I can't seem to let it go, not even for a second, not even when I want to. I wear indifference like a second skin. It's depresing, but I don't feel depressed. What's wrong with me?
There was a time when I used to never laugh, never smile. I didn't know how to; I didn't want to. I don't remember that clearly, it was in elementary school. People used to point that out to me, I shrugged, and continued to on. It did bother me, but not that much. Now, I do smile, I do laugh, but sometimes I feel like it's fake somehow. I always was such an excellent actor in the theater of Life. Maybe I'm kidding myself.
ETA:Fuck it. Who am I kidding? I don't need to lock that entry, no one who isn't a friend's gonna read it anyway, and I don't care about the potential others...
